Eternal Vacancy In A Clueless Mind

“I Will Follow You Into The Dark” Death Cab For Cutie.

Its been a while…

Its been a f**king heck of a while to be exact…

Goodness knows how much i missed blogigng senseless stuff and eternall ramblings.

Ok,to sort it all up..i got accepted into UiTM,not into Law school sadly but into its Sister Faculty (A personal consolation lah kunun) of Administrative Science and Policy Study. Im now stuck doing 3 years (6 semester’s) on a Bachelor’s of Administrative Science.

Guess where?

Lol,its good Old Malacca lah bah!

UiTM Kampus Bnadaraya to be exact.

A month ago, Dad sent me here and then dumped me alone in Malacca.It was i guess a mixture of fear, excitement, hope, wonder, questions and alot of questions.

After pilling stuff in the hostel, we were shipped to the main campus at Lendu, Alor Gajah for orientation for a week. Ironically, the MMS (Minggu Suai Kenal) for meant for the a thousand or so plus Diploma kiddies and we the Degree people (around 150 plus) had to join into the horrors of walking cross-country around KAG, sleeping at 2am and wkaing up at 4am, eating army surplus rations at best and the ever present seniors.

Did i mention i only bought a SINGLE damn formal shirt for the whole damn week?Eveyrhting else was left behind at KBM.

Oh madness,madness!

Fast forward here in KBM, lie is starting to settle down i guess.

By settling down, i meant desperately trying to finish assignments by due dates, doing presentations, enduring elctures on thigns you havent heard in years (Maths) or never had before (Economics) and not to mention the sad ironic fact that the darned campus is COLD! Utterly bone blistering cold, this is the last time im getting advice from Shen on what to expect in Mlacca.

Getting along quite well i must say, even if the nasty fall i had on lst last monday still hurts like crappy and i cant walk properly (nobody notices yet). This is not helped by the fact i walk 5 minutes on every single weekends to Jonker Street for the sake of Dim Sum, Girls and the usual entertaiment.

Dont know what much to say, have lectures again tomorrow. (Adeii, Maths…)

I’ll survive…I hope.

Till Then, Tchuss!

Utterly reeling under the wave of boredom as of now.

June heralded a sense of uncertainty and hope at the same time. The thought of University and Law School scares the living daylights out of me.

With it, thus ends a chapter of life having spent more than 18 out of 20 years living in the same place and generally doing the same kinda stuff year after year after year. As another chapter awaits on the other side, its murky as yet to be seen.The combination of suspence and fear plus the nostalgia of missing home is just enough to kill.

Ryann is as stressed out as i am.Being the last two people to be still here in KK while the rest of em kiddies have already left for greener pasture’s.

Just as much as June brought upon madness regarding University applications, the Euro cup is also here.As per tradition, we only took the effort to watch the first opening match between Switzerland against The Crezch Rep. (0-1).

Missed out on the match between Poland and Germany due to the fact im too pissed to wake up at midnight to watch it when i’ll know the results when Ryann calls me later in the morning.

Ahh..football.

On other news, im still as pissed as before. God know why.

End of story.

Am writing this in the hotel room of Hotel Sandakan after a gruelling 6 hours plus journey.

Like the journey before to Tawau,we arrived more or less tired,hagged and utterly blurred at the city.

Not as small as i imagined it to be but took us a while to get a hotel seeing msotly all of it were booked for the festivals tomorrow.(An ironic observation seeing that we told ourselves most hotels in Sandakan will be empty seeing everyone is flocking to the state capital for Kaamatan.Oh how wrong were we!)

Had as predictd an all seafood affair dinner and despite the harrowing pain i have in my head…i kept on walking.

Scheming to ehad to St Micheal’s, The War Memorial and Agnes Keiths home.Pretty much what you expect to come and see at Sandakan.

Ryann and Fred (Who came back yesterday.) are around in KK somewhere…causing mayhem and destruction i guess.

Ahh..madness again!

I woke this morning knowing fairly well that its just going to be one of "Those Days"  again.

Little did i know,my presumptions were true.

       What counts as One Of Those Days for Noel Meldan.

1.  You wake up 3 in the morning, all cold sweat and paranoid.

2.  You wake up at 3 in the morning, on a Sunday.

3.  You couldn’t get back to sleep.

4.  You feel clueless.

5.  You still feel clueless at 9am.

6.  You go down only to find out that some one finished your well hidden stash of stuff in the fridge.

7.  You feel pissed for no apparent reason.

8.  You put Secondhand Serenade on the Hi-Fi for no apparent reason.

9.  You think of your Ex.

10. You feel tempted to call her at 4.32 in the morning.

11. You washed Dad’s car.

12. You pushed "Replay" on the Hi-Fi.

13. You feel Nostalgic for no apparent reason.

14. You decided to go for a jog around the hill near Dimpokuan at 5 in the bloody morning.

15. You come back only to realised your feeling depressed.

16. You wished you werent soo damn depressed.

17. You missed school, all the way back to the first year in Kindie’.

18. You mind drifts back to The Galery Room frantically finishing Art projects for STPM last year (On a Friday afternoon) after listening to the same Japanese song ("Arigato, Best Friend") that Mr. Zul played again and again while we were busy boxing our Art projects to be sent to K.L.

19. You seem to like the song,despite the fact you can only sing the part that is also the title and you hardly understand the song at all.

20. You missed your 6′A’2 kiddies.

Ahh..Its a Sunday.

Its been a while, Its been a while.

Oh,heck yes its been a while since alot of stuff and more stuff happended. Bits of Chaos and Madness as usual and the ever present Flu-Fever-Cough-Migraine-Asthma-Chest Pain-Paralysis sickness.

Was confined to my bed and sometimes the living room for a good 2 weeks. Didnt took my meds as per doctors instructions. Managed to pull myself out of it after a few days of lying in bed most of the time.

Apart from that,its the usual same old same old.

Debate lost (Again) at the 1st round,All Saints kiddies.Whom then lost to Lok Yuk in the Finals.Something tells me you’ll be seeing Bessiam and them Lok Yuk kiddie in the Nationals.

Choir…SFC lagi lah.

Ahh..the good times.

Its been a heck of a while since the last posting and blame it on bad timing or other profane reasons, i tend to do my blogs on a weekly basis already, well not as if anyone is reading this anyway.

Went on a 10 hour road trip with Mum,Dad and Sis to Tawau last week to see the new kid of Uncle Kiong.It was then and there did i understand why i never liked plane, you tend to miss out on all the wicked scenery.

It was mostly hills and never-ending mountains and curving road around Tambunan and Ranau…coupled with misty fogs, cold weather, roadside stalls selling stuff, Mt. Kinabalu and the hazards of huge huge trucks pilling the west-east coast thing.

Kinabatangan onwards all the way to Beluran and most of the East coast was filled with Palm Oil estates…it was a never ending scene of palm oil and palm oil and PALM OIL!I was foaming insane and mad by the time we reached Tawau town.There were also some magnificent rivers and towering moutains but i was soo much focused on the menacing trucks and the thougfht of collisions made it a quite jumpy ride.

Spent the night in Tawau and the next morning hectically buying stuff home.(Mum,Sis,Auntie Grace) and a journey home that started at 2pm saw us arriving home back at 12pm.

The car was utterly packed to the brim with stuff from Tawau. Ranging from stuff like Ikan Masin (Salted Fish), fresh Seafood and Ciggarettes and all things that i have no care for.

It was fun but i dont think i’d go there any time soon. My body kills on long long winding road trips.Not to mention the utter hazards of trucks.

Got a few pictures and will upload them as soon as i find them around my upside turned room.

Just when you thought that you’ve dug a sufficiently deep hole enough to shove yourself in, life just somehow finds a sad,twisted and ironic way of collapsing that hole and landing you in a even bigger and deepoer hole that you have no way of getting out from.

I have been set free of the shakles and bondage that have tied me for the past few weeks, well a month and a half to be exact. And despite the ever longing sense of euphoria and freedom i thought i was going to feel, i just feel nothing at all.

Totally numb and void of all kinds of emotion.

I’ve been raking my head since last night trying to find a reason why but logic has run away from me and i cant find a rational answer to it.And knowing that im the kind that isnt properly wired in the head, its utterly driving me nuts to the point where im starting to miss her already.Ironically,i never had that much of a longing for her when i was tied in a commitment with her.

Yeah, maybe im just the type that never appreciate stuff around and take things for granted or just plainly said that im a screw up…

I remembered something Belle said once that people need people to simply fill in the sad void of social loneliness inside. She was no Freud but maybe there is a salt or two of truth in that?

Could it be that being such the hissy-fit i am, the utter longing of being in a relationship made me into taking things for granted?

I know i dont make sense right now, but that is all i have inside my head.

Ahh…i long for the days when i used to preceived life soo much simpler. When girls, being in relationships and stuff didnt matter as much as thigns like running in the rain and just being me.

Its been a while actually…

Uber busy dealing with some stuff.Well alot of them actually…

For starters, i managed to forgot that last Saturday was the day i was supposed to spent with someone special and i managed to blew it up big time (Translation: i spent the day with someone else, well a group actually) even after being given a 3 week noticde prior to that. (Translation: i didnt payed any attention about that at all)

I totally forgotten about the event and it only dawned to me after the special "some one" went beserk on the phone and thus came the desent into chaos and madness.

Took me a heck of alot to endure the freaking storm of cries, shouts, curses and little hands beating on me. Im still under "Probation" it seems but i long for the "Breakup" button to be pushed.

It seems sadly ironic that im now regretting the shakle and cuff that i’ve been tied to.

Oh when will i learn?

Joshua Bansh came back last week and it was filled with much anticipation that i got hold of my 1st box of Cadians.(Masih Hutang RM 188.00,Sorry Oliver) and not to mention the feverish pilgrimage to PowerNet along with Tim Wong and Ezra Jim.

The new Call Of Duty 4 is now the new favourite, cant seem tyo get over the "Martydom" perk seeing that most of the time i got shot by Tim or Josh 200 yards away with a .50 Barret.

Oh,cant wait to leave!

I cant seem to keep "Dry Your Eyes" out of my head.Its been a slow weekend since turning 20 last last week.

Granps celebrated his 98th Bday yesterday…mots of the family were there, apart from those scandal ridden one that is.

There is nothing much to say actually…still sobering myself up from the disasterous week that was my last. Cant wait to leave it all behind me, hopefully.

"Dry Your Eyes" The Streets

In one single moment your whole life can turn ’round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.

Its finally here, like awaiting for my PMR/SPM/STPM result, it was pretty much a mix of fear,relief, hope, doubt and a lot more of fear. Actually, it was more like the overwhelming sense of fear with some small elements of relief,hope and doubt.

Here am i, sitting somewhere typing away on a stiff keyboard, spending my last few hours of being a teen. No matter how late of a teen i am.

Come Sunday, 13th of April…I’ll be 20.

No something you do everyday…i guess it was supposed to be like a great transition to being an older and more mature person. But if you have ever spent a day knowing me, you should know that Noel Meldan never gets mature mentally.His body just grows but he still retains his 5 year old mentality…his older and much more mature/wiser self is locked somewhere in Lala-Land by the 5 year old pyromaniac and accident prone kid somewhere in the head.

Lokking back ever since i was 13, i really never had what you’d call a stable or normal upbringing. Maybe that is why im weird. When kids my age were talking about girls, cars and being cool, i was there pondering about Darwin’s Evolution of Man and the Bible. Only when i turned 16 did i ever gave the opposite sex some thought. Boy,was i late in reaslising that! It gave me such insight and screw me head up alot then and still now. (Cars and Being "cool" never made it in my head. PC Games took over and made me into a Geek that also learn to love being dorky and different.)

Have i really changed?

From the puggy kid fresh out of a Chinese-Chauvish’tic life in Public High school to Pugg’ier weirdo we all know.

Ahh, if i could turn back time…

Things i’ve learn love and hate 20 years into life.

1. Books- My main confidant, biggest strenght and weakness. Its started with "Last Of The Mohicans" and i have never looked back since.

2. Family- Love Em’ Hate Em’

3. The Opposite Sex- Hahahaha! Do i even have to say anything else about this? I’ve turned into what i am much thanks to them. From Ma’ to the string of girls that i’ve tried and failed pathetically (again and again, depending on how many blog posts i wrote about them) to understand, love and be emo on top of a hill for.

4. Music- I have Mum and Dad to thank for luring me with Lionel Richie, The Straits,The Beatles, Queen, BB King, Whitney Houston and Nat King Cole when i was still a kiddie. I’ve grown to love and appreciate every single genre of music. I still have reservations of Screamo-Heavy Metal And Chessy Pop songs. (Ok, maybe i’ve indulged in a few.)

5. Friends- From childhood buddies like Lewis Gunther and The Late Issac M. to guys like Josh, Ezra, Ryann, Fred and all. People whom i would take a bullet for and put a bullet on.

6.  Humour and Sarcasm- I indulge in both. The greatest medicine and sharpest sword.

7. Food- Hmm…

8. Laughter,Lots and Lots of it.- Ahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah!

Whatever it is, come tomorrow…I know i’l end up loving and hating it somehow.

That is one thing for 20 years of life i can be sure of.